Everyone, I write to tell you I am leaving again. Not because of reasons I have created, not because of reasons the world has created, but because God is sending me elsewhere. I write this in anticipation of the future that God has for me, for you, and for SLCC.

I wanted to announce this at the last day of class, but that would have been rude, and the small group of you who feel like you have to hang out more with those who leave would have felt unsatisfied if i had just said “peace” and thrown my stuff in a car. No I wanted to leave the right way this time.

About a month and a half ago I came across the notion that God gives people talents and abilities in life. Some people He blesses with artistic abilities, some comedic, and some social. In my life God has blessed me with comedic and artistic abilities. These abilities are used some here at SLCC, comedic more so than artistic, although I do do some graphics now and a again.

Then in conjunction with this I had a night where I broke down before God. A lot of things were going wrong that day and I needed some time to just talk to Him. As I was talking to Him I prayed something that astounded me even as I said it. This is the excerpt from my Journal:

“I will go where you say go, I will do what you say do.”

As soon as I said those words I realized that I was often very quick to jump to a conclusion of what God wants me to do, instead of waiting and listening for what he wants me to do. So I took my closed mind and plugged ears and opened them. I asked God for guidance as to what to do in life, where to go, how my ministry should look. And He said, don’t go back to SLCC, go use the talents I gave you to glorify me.

At at first, like most of you are likely saying right now, I was wondering why God would tell me not to go back to Bible college. It sounds weird right? I began to think who I was just the short four months ago that I came here. I was a troubled kid, who was lost and confused and angry. Me and the Father did not have a good relationship, and He was earnestly seeking me out. My whole life has changed in four months. The way I think, the way I interact, the way I behave. God totally overhauled my life, so that I would serve Him forever. It is the willingness to allow a total change in my life that I found in my despair that allows Him to work so swiftly.

I dont want to sound like I am saying that I am perfect now. I know I am far from that, and I am still broken. However God has shown me how to find beauty in the broken. How to find love for others in the middle of the anger that sometimes curses my brain. He changed me and I cannot run now.

Theres another part of this story where God moved in my life. After I knew I wasn’t supposed to come back I started looking at where to go. I started praying “God show me where to go.” After several weeks of praying and looking I stopped, turned off my computer and said to God “God, I suck at finding your will for me. There are a thousand or more colleges I can go to, where do you want me.” The next day I found out that because my brother graduates this spring from the University of Chicago, I will lose half of my federal financial aid and all of my federal grants. God had made it clear because I can now only afford one college.

I know this post may draw some adverse reactions from those of you who know me. From my friends back home who will be glad I am coming home, to my friends here at SLCC who are sad to see me go. To those of you who are reading this and laughing inside with glee that I will not be here next semester. I am aware that you exist, I pray for you everyday, and I pray for my patience and understanding and ability to love you. There will be those who will be indifferent, those who wonder why they didn’t use their time better, don’t worry just skip to the next paragraph. Whatever the case is, if you like me, love me, hate me, or just don’t even care, I love you. You are a creation of our Lord and Savior and regardless as to how you have treated me to my face or to my back, I love you.

This is not a goodbye letter to you. This is a letter of extended absence. One day we will all meet again in His presence. I plan on coming back to visit from time to time, I have friends here who I never wish to disregard like I did for the year that I was gone before.

Until That Day Comes
-Josh Grider

Its a matter of the brain,
A simple switch we can flip to not feel pain,
That when you flip it you can jump a mile high,
You can run forever and ever,
And her face is never imprinted on the inside of your eyelids.

Run,
Run until you can no longer run,
Run until your blood seeps into your socks,
And your feet feel like rocks,
Run until your legs give out,
Then crawl until you cannot breathe,
Because you’ve got blood on your knee’s.

But she is waiting for me,
Somewhere some place their she will be,
Staring at me with those eyes that gleam,
And it will feel just like a dream.

Ive got to find where she is hiding,
Because every second away I am dying,
Like a tree with no sunshine.

Way back when,
I got dumped,
I had a lump,
Right below my chin.

And couldn’t swallow,
Just sit and watch the sky,
While I choked and died,
Then there landed a swallow.

Right on my nose,
It happened just then,
That i wondered who sent him,
Who i wont ever know.

He looked into my eyes,
And spoke with a smile,
About a bridge of miles,
Saying “You wont die.”

I coughed and wheezed,
Until the lump came out,
It was real without a doubt,
That it wasn’t what it seemed.

That it was an egg,
With a crack horizontal,
And possibly im mental,
But it wasn’t regular.

It began to hatch,
And out came a beak,
One that belonged on a beach,
A Turtle! What a catch.

He grew before my eyes,
And turned to face me,
He was as tall as a tree,
He said “You can’t die.”

Then he was gone,
And the night came around,
It has such a sound,
Almost like a song.

Frogs in the trees,
Crickets behind the car,
And something more bazaar,
Something I couldn’t see.

In that short time,
I knew what I was,
I was sure it was because,
The sparrow had lied.

I danced to the sky,
Sick with my insight,
Into my late demise,
No, he hadn’t lied.

You can’t die,
If your already dead,
Its what the swallow said,
You won’t die.

A song for you.

A song so that you will hear what I hear,
That you will look at me and see my heart,
How words trickle and run like a painters brush,
How they all are aching to reach out and grab,
Onto any hint of something between us,
Any tiny speck of a pale blue dot that is a habitable planet,
In a solar system that is so completely resistant,
To all forms of any intelligent life,
I just want to see a little light,
At the end of the tunnel.

I used to be the star,
Never sat a game out,
A winner a champion a leader,
But I got tired of all the fame,
And in all the star struck shame,
I took myself out like a worthless lout,
Now I’m handing the next best water,
Like a silent waiter.

But this grade C restaurant is leaving a bad aftertaste,
And when I take my mind away from what I wanted,
I start to let you creep into my head,
And all the times that there was innocence turn,
Just like dancers in the hall,
I quickly begin to learn,
That what I said I will have to eat it all,
So maybe—

No.
Forget that noise.

I’m afraid,
I am afraid that I will miss out,
On something that i was supposed to have,
Something I was supposed to need to be,
When was the last time I wasn’t scared?
When was the last time I forgot to do my hair?
To take a shower and not put on cologne,
To screw brushing my teeth three times day,
And to stop trimming my nails and saying that its not gay,
When was the last time I never cared?

Why should I give two flips?
If you think I shouldn’t piece my lip,
If she says that my hair would be ugly,
If my jeans aren’t as skinny as his,
If I don’t look my most fly everyday,
Why should I care the tiniest bit?

Maybe I care for a one reason,
One person,
One set of eyes,
One heart beat,
One smile,
One laugh,
One hand to hold in mine,
One dream I have.

Falling

Falling like I just got dumped,
Like we just had that talk in the Walmart parking lot,
Like you just yelled that “its over” and hung up on me,
Like I went to visit you at work,
Like you told me you loved me and then said you had to talk to a friend,
Like  I asked you who was it going to be and you walked away,
Like I stayed up all night talking to you only to hear your voice never again,
Like  we spent a month playing ping pong,
Like I found out you never really liked me,
Like you felt when I called you after spring break.

Staring

Staring like you just drove off,
Like that time when I kissed you in the infield and said my goodbyes,
Like that time when  I told you I would be back in a week,
Like that time when I watched you leave with all my dreams.

Stop Breathing

Stop breathing like when I leaned in too close,
When we met in the stairwell of the Hyatt,
When we fought after doing the dishes at your parents house,
When we stood outside of youth group,
When we went to the drive in and you lost your earring.

You are,
Every broken promise,
Every longing heart,
Every tear I ever let fall from my life torn face.

And while you are all these thing,
You are also the smoke from my lips in the cold winter storm,
The laugh that interrupts  everyone at every table,
The hug that breaks the pattern of being love disabled.

But I’ve never even had a hug from you,
Something that comes around in my fever dreams,
Cutting through reality like only the truth,
You are the eyes that make me cry and make me scream.

You are my dream,
The dream that one day things will change,
I will leave my home and call you pain,
Then one day, things will change.

But what of the chance that you don’t like what you are?
What if you wake up and stare at that scar?
And it turns and twists under the light,
And hangs in your mind all night.

What happens when you no longer love yourself?
When your body revolts and your mind melts,
When you cry and scream and drive your car way too fast,
And then you dream that you live in a place of the past.

What happens when you quit drinking and eating and caring for yourself?
When you look in the mirror and see nothing but a shelf?
A shelf that is holding all the cares of the world,
All the anger and hollowness of when mom and dad fight,
All the monsters and big brothers who sneak in your room at night.

And when you wake up screaming drenched in sweat,
When your no longer breathing but your heart beat is so fast,
Are you really feeling everything that you know you can,
Are you trying to numb all the mistakes and worries with cold showers?
With a drink from the bottle and a cigarette from a  pack,
Are you eating till you puke and then eating some more,
Spending thousands on new clothes that only end up on the floor,
Crawling into a sleeping bag in the back of a van,
Next to a stranger who calls himself a man,
Who you are giving yourself to only for the pleasure,
Are you numbing the pain and losing your treasure?

I only ask because you are a crystal in a dark cavern,
Hanging from the roof like a star in heaven,
And when you refuse to be translucent there is no one who can see you,
There is no one to take you down from your underground life,
Wrap you in paper and box you up tight,
And move you to a display where there is proper light.

Are you still hiding?

You Are, Are You by Joshua Grider is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at aibcs.wordpress.com.

A few days ago someone took the time to walk around in the snow outside of the guys dorm and form a heart. As a victim of the ADHD plague, I have a very impulsive streak in my body. Its hard enough for me to walk around in snow and not spell my name it it. But seeing a heart there… Man that was like taking a knife to the part of my brain that reasons such decisions, and then twisting.

Every night I close my eyes and drift into a dream so realistic that sometimes I ask if I ever even woke up. Dreams that carry the vividness of life that scare me to the bone sometimes, and other times I never want to leave. These are not what concern me, what concerns me is that there are times when I wake up and have no idea what the dream meant. But know that its implications are rather far spread.

I used to have a biology class with an overqualified professor at a community college. Of course my pet squirrel was a bit over qualified for that job, but he got beat out by the guy who taught the class, Sniffles never did do well in smear campaigns. Anyway, my professor was obsessed with talking about how he worked for the EPA, and did some kind of something with the ozone like took it out to lunch or to a movie or something. In all honesty I was not really concerned with my professors secret affair with gravitational collections of air.

So a lot of weird things go on around campus, of course one of the weirder things I have seen lately is several bank robbers shoveling our sidewalk. I am not sure why they were, as our sidewalk is neither a bank, or able to be robbed, but it was happening.